Academy Awards Picks 2013

I've mentioned that I really enjoy trying to see all the Academy Awards best picture nominees each year. I did such an abysmal job last year in seeing movies (darn that terrible pregnancy) that this year I redoubled my efforts and I'm happy to report that I saw all  nine best picture nominees, plus some of the films that were up in other categories. It was a huge time commitment (and is one of the reasons I haven't been blogging lately) but I really love cinema and miss not going as much as I used to. I consider this part of my efforts to cultivate myself outside of motherhood.

In general, I think it has been a great year for movies, for which I am thankful because in the past few years I don't think there's been many great films released. I think both Moonrise Kingdom and The Master should have been nominated for academy awards. And while perfectly fine, I don't think Life of Pi was quite good enough to have been given the Oscar nod. It was average in my opinion. I thought the acting was weak and the special effects looked too fake-y to me. I liked the story (I liked the book too), but overall, it was nothing to write home about.

I also liked Les Miserables and Silver Linings Playbook, but I don't think they were as great as everyone keeps saying they were. I think The Master did a much better, more sophisticated job of dealing with the themes of mental illness and an outsider seeking love than did Silver Linings Playbook, which felt very much like a typical romantic comedy to me.

I wasn't looking forward to seeing either Zero Dark Thirty or Django Unchained because I have a really hard time watching violence (age and motherhood both have seemed to strengthen my aversion) but I loved both movies. I'll admit to closing my eyes during both though. I thought they were both compelling, interesting, well acted films that kept me thinking about them long after the movie had ended. I also really liked that Django Unchained was something different than we've seen before. Everything from the camera work to the music helped propel the story and reinforce this notion of the recreation of the genre of westerns while also being a reinterpretation of historical fiction in general. Hands down, I think Quentin Tarantino should win the Academy Award for best director for Django Unchained, and I think it's a shame that he's not even nominated. What were they thinking?!

I hadn't heard of either Beasts of the Southern Wild or Amour before Academy Award nominations. I'm glad each was nominated otherwise I might have missed these two great films. BOTSW gives such a wonderful sense of place, culture and lifestyle. It is deftly told through a child's perspective, which I think is really hard to pull off, and Quvenzhane Wallis' performance was remarkable for an actress of any age. (In case you're unfamiliar with the movie, she's five years old.) Amour so accurately captured a sliver of the human experience that often goes un-talked about. It's about how an elderly couple copes when the wife has a stroke and the slow and difficult journey towards death. Having watched three of my grandparents' cope with long term, debilitating illnesses before dying, and having provided full time, live-in care to two of them in the months leading up to their deaths, I identified so strongly with this movie. I strongly recommend it to anyone.

Argo and Lincoln are probably the two most talked about, and heavily favored to win, movies in the category, and rightfully so. They are excellent. Argo is exciting, well told, and well acted. I loved the story and the pacing. Lincoln was interesting and moody, by which I mean you really feel the mood of the era and the players in the ratification of the thirteenth amendment. Great films.

Now for my picks! I don't necessarily think these are the movies that will win, but they're the ones that should win. (See the full list of nominees here.)

Best Picture: Zero Dark Thirty
I couldn't get it out of my head. It had so much food for thought, was a great story and well acted. Honorable mentions to both Argo and Django Unchained. I would be happy if either of these won too.

Best Director: Michael Haneke for Amour
But really, it should be Quentin Tarantino, seriously.

Lead Actor: Daniel Day Louis for Lincoln
Honorable mentions to Joaquin Phoenix (The Master) and Hugh Jackman (Les Miserables). In any other year, either of these performances would win the Oscar. All three are transcendent. (Note: I didn't see Denzel Washington's performance in Flight.)

Supporting Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman in The Master
Leonardo DiCaprio in Django Unchained was robbed of a nomination in this category. I thought his performance was better than every other person in this category, other than Hoffman.

Lead Actress: Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty
Honorable mentions to Quvenzhane Wallis in Beast of the Southern Wild and Emanuelle Riva in Amour. (I didn't see Naomi Watts' performance in The Impossible.)

Supporting Actress: Amy Adams in The Master
Honorable mention to Anne Hathaway for Les Miserables. (I didn't see Helen Hunt in The Sessions.)

Adapted Screenplay: Argo
Honorable mention: Lincoln

Original Screenplay: Amour
Like best picture and leading actor, this category is full of great nominees and in any other year I think most of them could have won. However, my honorable mention goes to Django Unchained. (Moonrise Kingdom is right up there in my estimation too though.)

Costume Design: Snow White and the Huntsman
I didn't see Anna Karenina or Mirror Mirror and I actively hated the costumes (and hair and makeup) in Les Miserables.

Cinematography: Django Unchained
Honorable mentions to Beast of the Southern Wild and Moonrise Kingdom, neither of which were nominated.

Film Editing: Argo

Visual Effects: Snow White and the Huntsman
Seriously so much better done than Life of Pi. 

What are your picks? Are you going to be watching the awards tonight? I bought popcorn and red vines especially for the occasion.

The End of the World as We Know It

This face says it all. We're so over hearing about these apocalyptic predictions. Honestly, did anyone really believe the world was going to end? I mean, how would the Mayans even know?

Now if we could just get everyone to shut up about this fiscal cliff nonsense too, I'd be a lot happier. Just make the deal already, people.

Trying to Be a Good Friend During the Hard Times

I don't know if everyone ages this way, but I'm always kind of surprised by the fact that I'm an adult. I still kind of feel like I'm faking it. And the truth is, I don't know what I'm doing. Recently, I've been hit with situation after situation that I don't know how to handle. Adult situations. Situations that have me sitting, thinking, wishing there was a manual. 

Earlier this year, my friend's long awaited for son died when he was five weeks old. Another friend was accused of a crime I am certain he didn't commit, but his lawyer thinks he will be convicted of anyway. Yet another friend is breaking her engagement and having to find a new job and move out of the home she shares with her fiance. My friend's, who I've known since I was twelve years old who used to be like a sister to me, husband is charged with a crime and being held in jail on one million dollar bond. Another friend is getting divorced after nine years of marriage.

My heart aches and aches and aches for them all, but I don't know how to respond. What do you say to someone whose life is ruined? How do you react when it might not get better? How can I be a good friend in uncharted territory?

I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever figure it out. I write short, awkward emails saying I'm sorry and that I support them. I send Facebook messages saying I just want to check in and that I'm thinking about them. It doesn't feel like enough, but I can't think of more. I don't feel like a good friend, but I'm trying.

How I Got Here

This week, twelve years ago, I was a senior in college. A friend of mine from high school came down from Smith to my college for the weekend and we went to a free Wycliff Jean concert sponsored by my school. Afterwards we went to another friend's dorm room and did Thin Mint shots (peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup). I was thinking about breaking up with my on-again, off-again boyfriend, again.

This week, ten years ago, I was living in California, working at a job I hated and taking pottery and ballroom dance classes. I played badminton for exercise. I was single and went to happy hour with my girlfriend every Friday night.

This week nine years ago, I was living in China and baked a boxed yellow cake with canned chocolate frosting that I had brought with me all the way from the US. My apartment didn't have an oven, so I baked it in a borrowed toaster oven. It turned out terribly, but I ate it anyway.

This week, seven years ago, I was living in Washington DC with a roommate and nursing a broken heart. My boyfriend, the one I thought I had a future with, had just dumped me while we were on vacation in Boston. I worked all the time, often traveling more than three weeks a month, and had just started grad school at night.

This week, five years ago, my dad died. I had just finished grad school and gotten engaged. I was shell shocked from so many life changes occurring at once.

This week three years ago, I was vacationing in beautiful Quebec. I had just gotten married and started a little blog.

This week two years ago, I took a little trip to Chicago. I was dreaming of moving to Wicker Park and reconsidering my position on never having kids.

This week, this year, I'm eating Ethiopian food and going yurt camping in Maryland with my husband and five and a half month old baby. Today, I turn 33 and (in both a good way and a bad way) I still can't really believe this is my life.

Choosing an Appropriate Halloween Costume

Below is a repost of one of the earliest posts I wrote. I am just as dismayed now as I was four years ago, when I first wrote this, by the scarcity of modest Halloween costumes for women and the pervasive sexism that this represents. I continue to boycott these types of costumes and I hope you will too. 

Is it just me or could nearly all women's Halloween costumes be described as "Slutty ______"? Seriously, it's all just different versions of the same prostitute costume. I thought Halloween was supposed to be scary, not objectifying.

They don't pull that crap with men's costumes. They sell men's doctor costumes, but only "sexy nurse" for women. Men can get a fire fighter's costume, but sorry ladies, you'll have to be "Hot Stuff". I thought this was the 21st century. Can't women be doctors and fire fighters too? (I know, theoretically I could wear a man's costume, but I'm 5'4", so it's unlikely any would fit.) 

Let's compare two costumes in the same theme: prisoners. They are similar down to their little hats, except that the man is covered up in loose clothing while the woman is in a low-cut, skin-tight mini-dress. AND they are charging women $15 more for half (or a third) as much clothing. These are from the same catalog.

It's time for us to vote with our dollars, ladies. Just say "no" to overpriced, skanky costumes. Even if you can't sew (I can't either!) you can throw a sheet over yourself and say you're a ghost. It'll be retro cool.

Scheduling and New Motherhood

Sometimes, I look at the clock and realize the baby's nap is probably going to end soon and I think to myself, "Oh [expletive], I better go to the bathroom now while I still can."

It's the best job I've ever had, but dude, it's intense.

Why My Son Is Not Circumcised

Recently, the American Academy of Pediatrics changed their neutral position and made a weak endorsement of circumcision. I realize that most people have really strong opinions about circumcision. I am not one of those people. Because much of my Master's thesis focused on public health in Sub-Saharan Africa, I'm very well read on the issue of circumcision. The conclusion I came to was there are pros and cons to having the procedure and not having the procedure. Deciding whether or not to have my son circumcised was difficult for me. (I'm speaking in the first person because it was not as difficult for my husband to form his opinion. Rest assured though, it was very much a joint decision.)

The main arguments in favor of infant circumcision are that it reduces the risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease, decreases the likelihood of urinary tract infection, and it fits with cultural norms. The main arguments against circumcision is that healthy tissue is being removed without consent and that it reduces sexual pleasure.

Studies have shown that circumcision reduces the transmission of STDs, including HIV and HPV. It is because of this that the World Health Organization recommends male circumcision in countries with high rates of HIV infection.

Studies have also shown that circumcised boys have fewer cases of UTIs than their uncircumcised counterparts. However, the difference in risk is small and the studies I've read on the subject don't seem to be very rigorous (i.e small sample size and not controlling for variables.) Even according to the AAP, "There is little evidence to affirm the association between circumcision status and optimal penile hygiene."

In terms of cultural norms, historically, circumcision has been standard in the United States, however as rates of circumcision continue to fall in the US, I think this argument has less validity. Furthermore, it seems a little silly to think that boys are going to feel ostracized for having a penis that looks different than their peers. My son, a blond, has a non-dominant hair color, yet no one expects him to feel abnormal for looking different from the majority of his peers in that (much more evident) way.

The cultural argument makes much more sense to me from the religious standpoint. Jews and Muslims both typically follow a tradition of circumcision, but since we are neither Jewish or Muslim, it wasn't an aspect I took into consideration when making my decision. It was simply not applicable.

As for the arguments against circumcision, I was most concerned about the claim that circumcision reduces sexual pleasure. (While it's a little icky to think about my baby having sex, if I think about it in the abstract, I can acknowledge that I want my son to have a happy, full life and sex tends to be a part of that.) However, as I dug into that claim, I could only find anecdotal evidence from opponents of circumcision and not an unbiased, scientific studies to support that argument.

Ultimately, my decision not to circumcise boiled down to one simple reason that I never explicitly saw mentioned in any of the literature I had read on the topic--evolution. I believe we have evolved in a way that is optimal for our survival. Even if you believe in intelligent design, the same argument applies. There must be some reason the penis exists naturally with a foreskin.

I felt like with education, we could overcome the some of the arguments in favor of circumcision (teach our son proper hygiene, safer sex practices, and positive self-esteem) but that we couldn't really get around the arguments against circumcision. Finally, I realized that if my son was unhappy with our decision not to have him circumcised, he could always have one later in life, whereas it would be more difficult to reverse the choice if he was circumcised.

Now that he's here and these are no longer discussions in the abstract, I can report that I'm happy we didn't circumcise our baby. It meant he could spend more time with us in the hospital rather than being away having a medical procedure. It's also been lower maintenance for us since we didn't have to care for the wound while it was healing. I've found no difference in diaper changes or baths between our uncircumcised son and circumcised boys I've babysat in the past.

Did you circumcise your son? Would you?

Let's keep the comments respectful. You can disagree, but I'll delete personal attacks or insults.

Last Names...Yes, Again

I thought I had completely exhausted the subject of last names too, but then I heard what a soon to be married friend is planning on doing and it triggered a memory of another unique last name solution.

A guy I've known since I was six years old is getting married next month and he and his fiancee have decided to combine their last names in the most awesome way. His last name is Johnson and her last name is Sun, and they are both going to change their last names to Johnsun. How cool is that? I know not all last names combine so neatly, but how perfect when they do.

It reminded me of two professors I knew when I was in college. They both kept their last names when they married, but when they had a child they gave him the father's last name as a first name and the mother's last name as a the child's last name. So the son's name was Walker Herlastname. (She had a unique last name so I don't want to share it.) When they had a second son, they also gave him the mother's last name.

I love it when people find creative ways to combine names.

More on Last Names: Hyphenating Baby's Name

A couple of years ago, I wrote about some of the reasons I chose not to change my name when I got married. When I wrote it, I was feeling defensive about my decision because family members kept disregarding my choice and were changing my name for me. Every time I re-read that blog post I wish I had spent more time on it and was more articulate because it continues to be one of my most popular posts and I don't think it accurately reflects the nuances of my feelings on the issue. I've meant to revise the post or to do a follow-up (especially since it generated my first and only mean comment in the history of this blog!) but as you know, life gets in the way.

I guess the one thing I would reiterate about that post is that I made the decision that was right for me. As the years have gone on, it has become increasingly clear to me that I made the right decision for me, and I wouldn't (and haven't) changed it. Again, nearly all of my female friends and family members have changed their last names and I think that's great, because they're doing what feels right for them. I'm all about all of us living intentionally and authentically.

The other point I want to make is that, this is not an issue in my marriage. Chuk and I have had approximately two brief conversations about my name (both before we were married) and it was always very clear that he really didn't care whether I changed my name or not. I get the impression from some that they imagine we talk about this, or even fight about it, a lot. We don't. It's a complete non-issue for us.

Except that we're going to have a baby any day now, so this issue has resurfaced. We've had first and middle baby names picked out since before we were even considering having kids (just because it's fun to think of baby names) but we still don't have a last name picked out. I mean, there's a 99% change we'll hyphenate the baby's last name, but we don't know whose name will come first and whose will come second, mostly because neither one of us cares which comes first.
The decision to hyphenate came in the car on the way to Target, of all places. The conversation isn't verbatim, as it was several months ago, but it's pretty darn close.

"I'm getting annoyed that your dad keeps asking about the baby's last name," I said. Seriously, it was the second question he asked us when we told him I was pregnant.

"Sorry. I don't know why he's so fixated on it," Chuk said. "We'll probably just hyphenate it though, right?"

"I assumed so." And end scene. We haven't discussed it since.

I've read some articles about how for couples with different last names choosing to hyphenate their child's last name has been a real struggle. (Read more about it here, here, here, and here.) Honestly, their stress over the issue seems to bounce between silly and controlling to me. The two main issues seem to be that a hyphenated last name would be too long or figuring out what the child will do when he or she gets married.

To the first point, about a hyphenate name being too cumbersome, my argument is, lots of people have long last names so it's not really that different whether there's a hyphen in the middle or not. In our case, if we hyphenate our last names, it will only be three syllables, which I don't think is all that long. Learning to spell your last name is challenging for all kids, no matter the length.

As for the complications that could occur when the child gets married, it just seems like none of my business. I'm responsible for doing what I think is best for this person for the first eighteen years of his or her life, but after that it's up to it to decide what it wants to be called. Worrying about things that far in the future seems controlling to me not only because the "child" will be old enough to decide what he or she wants to do by then, but also because it assumes so many variables. I don't assume my child will get married, or that if it does it will necessarily want to keep its name or that its future spouse will want to keep his or her name, or that they will have children.

Everybody should name their child whatever they want, but my point is that for parents who want to hyphenate their child's name, it doesn't have to be an emotionally wrenching decision. Do what you want to do and don't let others make you second guess yourself.

Due Dates Annoy Me

Bear with me while I go on a crabby rampage, OK? Pretty much everyone's favorite question to ask me is when my due date is. It's understandable in some respects: I've been pregnant for the better part of a year and it looks like I'm smuggling a very large watermelon under my clothes. However, it irritates me when people don't accept my answer or continuously ask me the question again and again as if my answer is magically going to change.

Here's the thing about due dates that people fail to recognize: They're really called ESTIMATED due dates. No one knows when a baby is going to come. No one. Even if you're being induced, you don't know that the baby isn't going to come early.

Generally, estimated due dates (EDD) are calculated by adding 40 weeks to the first day of your last period. What this fails to take into account though is that all women and all babies are different. If your menstrual cycle is longer or shorter than 28 days, the 40 weeks is already off.

Secondly, even though ultrasounds seem like they're super accurate because you're told you're "X weeks and # days", after the 12 week of pregnancy ultrasounds aren't very accurate at dating pregnancies because fetuses develop at different rates after that point. (Think about how some babies walk at 10 months and others walk at 13 months. It's the same type of thing when they're still in the uterus.) The EDD from ultrasounds also seem to be a moving target since almost everyone I know who has had more than one ultrasound has had her due date changed, which is always funny to me since the conception date didn't change.

In addition to your cycle and your baby's development, the 40 weeks is just an average too. A baby is considered full term if it comes anytime between 37 and 42 weeks. So basically, your baby is normal if it comes anytime within a one month time frame. My birth instructor told us that on average, first babies come ten days after the EDD and one of the books I'm reading says that the chance of a woman delivering on her "due date" is only around 5%.

So when people ask me when I'm due, I tell them "in April", which is about as accurate as I can be. I'm not a psychic. These nosy parkers never accept that answer though. More than one person, most often a Facebook "friend" I haven't seen in 10+ years, has gone on to insist, "No, when is your exact due date? I want to write it in my calendar." Hell no. If you found out about my pregnancy on Facebook, you can find out when I have my baby on Facebook. I don't need you emailing me to ask if I've "popped" yet. (Incidentally, this is my least favorite phrase ever. Do they think the imagery of popping or exploding is pleasant to a woman facing imminent labor? Really? Think before you speak, Dummy.) Multiply the same mildly annoying question by every single person I know and some random strangers who decide they have a right to be up in my business and you get one irritated mama-to-be.

The icing on the cake of irritation is my father-in-law who asks weekly if we have a more precise due date yet. We have explained to him numerous times all the above information about how EDD are just guesses and there is no way anyone could be certain, but he refuses to accept it and just keeps asking. It's enough to make me want to bang my head (or his?) against the wall.

Now, when Chuk or I get an insistent due date questioner, we quip, "It's a baby, not a library book." If we can get a giggle, usually it's enough time for us to change the subject. Phew.

Since you readers are all nice and I have gotten one respectful question about this issue, I will tell you I have two EDDs. I was told by one midwife that I'm due April 8, which was simply based on 40 weeks after the first day of my last period. My current midwife has my EDD as April 20, which she calculated according to my freakishly long menstrual cycle.

Personally, I'm really hoping to either have the baby April 18 because 18 is a special number to me (I think this baby was conceived on July 18; Chuk proposed on August 18; my dad's birthday was September 18; and my birthday is October 18) or April 25 because that was my grandma's birthday. (I've written about her here, here, and here.) I would also be happy with April 8 because Easter is my favorite holiday.

The absolute worst day for me to have this baby is April 15 because Chuk has a second round Jeopardy audition that day, which cannot be rescheduled. Because I want him to fulfill his life dreams, I've told him he's going to the audition no matter what, but he insists he wouldn't go if I was in labor. Obviously, this means I'm going to have the baby on April 15 or 16 because that's just how the universe works. I would appreciate it if you kept your fingers crossed that I'm not in labor April 14-16 anyway though. (And although it's secondary to a healthy baby, if you want, you can also keep your fingers crossed that he makes it onto the show because that would be so fun and make him so happy.)

Pregnancy Makes Me Clingy

When I hear other pregnant women talk about what they're afraid of it always seems to be pain in labor or something being wrong with their baby or that they won't be a good mother, but I'm not really afraid of any of those things. However, in the last month or so I've become absolutely terrified that this baby is going to change my marriage for the worse.

Chuk and I are in such a good place in our relationship that whenever I someone tells me "A baby changes everything" (and people say crap like that a lot because apparently people love to try and freak you out) my heart starts to pound. I don't want anything about my marriage to change. Yet, it inevitably will change; we'll have less time for each other, less money and more stress.

I think part of this stems from my own parents, who were happily married for seven years before having three kids in four years. Their marriage started deteriorating not long after and they eventually divorced. While neither of them ever blamed (or even insinuated) kids had anything to do with their split, the chain of events seems pretty apparent to me. Additionally, the happiest couples I know are childless couples.

The manifestation of my fear is that I've gone from being a sane individual to the clingiest person that has ever walked the face of the earth. I don't want to hang out with anyone other than Chuk. If I could just stay home and cuddle with him on the couch while we watch TV all day and all night I would be a happy, happy woman. Despite how much I hate being pregnant, I find myself hoping that this baby is late because I think, "These are the last few weeks we have left as just the two of us for the next 18-25 years."

Even though we planned for this baby, and it was not a decision either of us rushed into or took lightly, I never anticipated feeling this way. Chuk and I talk openly about my fear. He tries to reassure me, but sometimes I think I'm not ready to have a baby. (Too late to decide that now!) Realistically, I know the only way to get over this feeling is to get through it, and I will, but I think it's important to put it out there because maybe someone else is going through the same thing. I don't know anyone who has this particular anxiety during pregnancy, but surely I can't be the only one. I think it's important that we're honest about our feelings (for better or worse) so that we can support one another.

Other Oscar Fashion

These were Academy Award looks I wasn't very fond of. Sorry ladies.

I like Rooney Mara's makeup, but her hair and dress didn't work for me.

For the record, I do not think there was a nip slip, but I still didn't like the dress.

I liked Melissa McCarthy's hair and makeup, but not the dress, especially the way the sleeves were attached.

The bottom of this dress was a hot mess.

Bernice Bejo is so beautiful in The Artist but she did not look it on the red carpet. I am not a fan of her hair color and I thought this dress aged her so much.

Oscar Fashion

Let me sum up the last week for you. I got sick. I got better for one day, but somehow managed to get Chuk sick (amazing since he has the strongest immune system of anyone I've ever met.) He then passed the cold back to me. Now, we're both sick. Bad times.

Anyway, let's have some frivolity. These were some of the looks I liked at the Academy Awards.

Better without the coat.

I wanted to see this without the jacket too.

This reminded me of a Jennifer Lopez dress from a few years ago.

I think my two absolute favorites were Emma Stone and Octavia Spencer.

Academy Awards Picks

I have a little tradition with myself that after the Academy Award nominees are announced, I try to see as all of the best picture nominees. It's become next to impossible to do since they've increased the number of nominees in the best picture category from five to up to ten, but I still try to see as many as I can. It's a fun little thing to do since I see almost no movies (in the theater) all year and then I go to the movies multiple times a week for a couple of weeks. It's a movie marathon.

Here are my thoughts on this year's nominees:

The Artist wasn't a novel plot line. This same story has been told over and over again in countless movies. I think the reason The Artist is getting more critical acclaim than other similar movies is because it's in black and white and it's silent. Both of which I think are gimmicks. Having said that, I did like the movie. I thought it was cute and I loved the dancing and costumes.

The Descendants was hard for me to watch for the first half. I think it's because I hated the two daughters and that random friend so much. I wanted to smack them all. I gradually warmed up to the movie though. The kids all became less annoying and I was able to focus more on George Clooney's character's acceptance of and decisions regarding the course of his life. I really liked the way this movie explored how complicated family life can be and the struggles one faces in coming to terms with the death of a loved one who wasn't perfect. There is a mixture of profound grief and relief, the latter which I think is often very taboo to talk about, but is no less real.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was one I didn't get a chance to see. Jonathan Safron Foer's work is sometimes a little too kooky for me, but I am a big fan of the director, Stephen Daldry, so I think I would have liked this movie.

The Help was good, if somewhat overrated. It was well-acted and I felt invested in the characters. I didn't like that white people had to save the day and I thought some of the roles were overly archetypal and stereotypical.

Hugo looked dumb to me and I had no desire to see it. I don't tend to go for magical or kids' fantasy type movies. Personal bias.

Midnight in Paris was another one I intentionally skipped. I've never seen a Woody Allen movie I liked, ever. Also, am I still the only person who thinks he's a dirty, creepy old man?

Moneyball was a surprising hit for me. I'm not a big sports fan, but I thought the storyline was great. I didn't think the side story about Brad Pitt's character's daughter and ex-wife added anything to the film, but it was easy enough to ignore.

I had never even heard of Tree of Life until the Academy Award nominees were announced. I tried to rent it from redbox on Thursday but they were all out. Bummer. Everyone I know who has seen this movie has described it as boring.

I didn't see War Horse either. Again, the trailers didn't make the movie seem appealing to me and (I can't believe I'm going to admit this) the Saturday Night Live sketch about it made me want to see it even less.

So even though I've seen fewer than half of the Best Picture nominees this year (pregnancy is slowing me down!) I'm going to be rooting for:
Moneyball for Best Picture
George Clooney for Lead Actor
Meryl Streep for Lead Actress (I haven't seen Iron Lady, but I'm dying to) though I think Glenn Close is probably fantastic in Albert Noobs and I really want to see that movie too
No pick for Supporting Actor
Melissa McCarthy for Supporting Actress
Moneyball for Adapted Screenplay
Bridesmaids for Original Screenplay

I'm also rooting for the Academy to go back to just five picks for Best Picture. They have NINE movies competing in the category and of the ones I've seen, I didn't think any were exceptional. I would describe all four that I saw as good but not great. Don't they know even matinees are now $10? They're trying to bankrupt us. (I try to see all the movies I can from Redbox or Netflix, but if I do go to the movie theater I buy discounted tickets from Costco. They're "only" $7.50.)

What movies did you like this year? What didn't you like?

An Open Letter to the Naysayers

My dad had a favorite expression, which I'm only going to minimally censor here. "Opinions are like a--holes; everybody's got one." The implication being, of course, keep yours to yourself because I've already got one. I can't tell you how many times a week this colorful turn of phrase pops into my mind as I progress through this pregnancy.

The truth is I often feel attacked, criticized and belittled about the choices I'm making for myself and my baby. And while that alone is hard, it is made more bitter because it seems the most biting comments come from well-meaning family and friends. Furthermore, despite the fact that Chuk and I have made every pregnancy-related decision together, he has not been subject to these types of remarks. Why do we subject mothers to a level of criticism and scrutiny that would never be tolerated in any other sphere of life?

This is where I plead my case that we, as a society, simply butt out and let parents, for better or worse, make their own decisions. I contend that these unsolicited opinions are rarely useful and mostly serve to alienate people and damage relationships.

You Can't Do That

"You'll never be able to give birth without drugs."
"Cloth diapers? Good luck with that because it's never going to happen."

We all have different capabilities. Maybe you can name all 50 state capitals and do computer coding. I can't, but I can do the quadratic equation and translate Camus from French to English. Just because natural child birth or cloth diapers or whatever didn't work out for you doesn't mean I can't do it.

When you act like parenting is a competition and you smack talk me, it hurts my feelings. Don't tell me what I can and can't do because you have no idea. I have no idea either, but I want to try. Just encourage me instead.

You're Reckless

"I'm just not the type of person who would risk my child's life to give birth outside of a hospital."
"You need bumpers or else the baby will hurt itself on the crib."

Trust me. I'm not going to do anything to endanger my child. Believe it or not, I have a vested interest in keeping this baby alive. I've done my research. You have either 1) not done your research and have no idea what you're talking about, 2) your information is out of date, or 3) are referring to something upon which there is divided expert opinion. In the case of one and two, I'm dismissing what you're saying out of hand. In the case of three, let's just agree to disagree. Look, you may let your toddler drink soda and watch TV. I've got opinions about that, but I'm keeping my mouth shut because I believe that as long as it's not illegal, parents have the right to make decisions based on what is right for their family.

Be Like Me

"We have the best sleep technique."
"You have to get this wipes warmer."

I'm not going to lie, your kid seems like (s)he's turning out ok, but this other kid I know is turning out ok too and its parents are doing things the exact opposite way you are. I interpret this to mean 1) all kids are different, and 2) the minutia probably doesn't matter.

I live in a tiny apartment. While I'm glad that giant gizmo you bought made your child happy, I am not neglecting my child if I choose not to buy it. Don't try to guilt me into a purchase. I will never believe that not having "hot item of the year" is going to turn my child into a juvenile delinquent in 15 years.

You may know the best technique for your child, but there's a 100% chance that I'm not going to give birth to your child. I'll try a bunch of things out with my baby (just like you did with yours) to try and figure out what works best for us. If that doesn't work out, I'll call you when I'm sleep deprived and stressed out and you can save the day by showing me your never-fail burping/sleeping/latching technique.

I'm Nosy

"Was this a planned pregnancy?"
"Are you having a lot of changes in your breasts?"

Doctor patient confidentiality exists for a reason. Just because you're curious about something, doesn't mean you have a right to know. If I don't volunteer the information on my own, chances are I don't want you to know. Don't put me in the awkward position of (nicely) telling you "none of your business." You're embarrassing us both.

True story:
My friend's boss's wife asked her what sexual position she was in when she conceived her baby.

***

I've had these thoughts in my head for a long time, and it feels very cathartic to write them out. But I also wanted to write about it because there are a lot of other posts floating around in my head about pregnancy, childbirth and parenting but before I write about them I want to make it clear from the outset that just because I made a different decision from you doesn't mean I'm judging you. While any decision made is a repudiation of all the decisions not made, decisions are not made in a vacuum. The choices my husband and I make reflect our circumstances and priorities, just as I'm sure the choices your family make reflect your circumstances and priorities. To quote the president, "I think we can disagree without being disagreeable."

On Being a Survivor of Suicide

Friday marked the one year anniversary of my mother-in-law's death. Chuk and I drove down to his dad's house Thursday and spent the weekend with my father-in-law, sister-in-law, and niece.

We didn't do too much: ate, played with the baby, the usual. We drove to North Carolina, where she died, and wrote messages to her on balloons and then released them. It was simple, but I thought it was really nice. She liked simple things and wouldn't want too much of a fuss.

My mother-in-law died at the age of 58 because she committed suicide. She hung herself in the spare bedroom and her husband found her body when he woke up in the morning. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 33,000 lives are lost to suicide each year in the U.S. alone. Worldwide, the figure is more than one million.

I believe my mother-in-law's death was the result of untreated depression. I also believe she didn't seek treatment for her depression because of the stigma that surrounds it. Depression is a real illness; it's not something you can just "get over". Just as a diabetic's pancreas doesn't produce insulin, some people have hormone imbalances in the brain. Both require medical attention, a long-term health plan, and possibly medication. Yet people make jokes about shrinks and the crazy people who see them. Mental illness is a physical illness. Sick people are not seeking medical attention because of others' perceptions and fear of how they might be labeled.

I urge you, please don't make jokes about psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, antidepressants, mental illness, etc. The flip remark you make creates a culture of stigma. You never know what someone else is going through on the inside. You never know if they are in treatment or considering it and might be put off by just one little thing you say in passing.

We need to remove the shame from mental illness. There was a time when people wouldn't admit to having cancer because it was considered shameful or embarrassing. Now, we rally around cancer patients and survivors, as we should. It should be the same with depression and other mental illnesses. We should be sympathetic and encourage treatment and celebrate recovery.

If you've lost a loved one to suicide, I implore you to be open about it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. People need to know how widespread this epidemic really is. If you have sought treatment for depression, I urge you to be open about that too, in the appropriate circumstances of course. There is nothing to be embarrassed about in saying to a friend "It sounds like you're going through a hard time. I went through something similar and sought treatment from my doctor/psychologist/pastor/social worker and it really helped." You never know, you just might save someone's life.

Summer in the City

You know how some people get seasonal affective disorder in the winter? I think I get it in the summer. Summer is already my least favorite season, D.C. is the sixth hottest city in the country and we're been having a heat wave all week. Today is 108 degrees with a heat index of 123 degrees, and I've got the blues.

In an attempt to look on the bright side, here are some things I do like about summer:

1. Glasses of ice cold lemonade

2. Wearing flip flops

3. Ice cream

4. Camping

5. Cherries

6. It isn't dark at 4:30 in the afternoon.

7. Rootbeer floats

8. Fireflies

9. Hammocks

10. Swimming

Just because it isn't all bad (only mostly bad) doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to fall. Please, please come soon.

Royal Dork

Is anyone else super excited about the royal wedding? I'm super excited and my friends are making fun of me for it.

I had grand dreams of a royal wedding slumber party where my girlfriends would come over and we'd eat fancy British food like crumpets and cucumber sandwiches and stay up all night watching the wedding coverage. Sadly, all my friends have to work on Friday and they all think the wedding is lame so I'll be partying all by my lonesome. I have my DVR set up to record 12.5 hours of BBCAmerica on Friday. So that's what I'm doing on Friday.

I think it's going to be epic, but I am kind of sick of people referring to it as the "wedding of the century". In thirty years, Williams and Kate's kid is going to get married and I'm sure that's going to be the "wedding of the century" too, just like Charles and Diana's wedding was the "wedding of the century" thirty years ago.

I Want Her Outfit...

...and her dance moves.

The Big Talk About Grown Up Decisions

Isn't my niece the cutest? I just want to gobble her up.

Chuk had a bad day at work which was the catalyst for a "come to Jesus" talk tonight. Long story short, his job is in danger. This is hugely problematic since he is our only wage earner. Besides the financial strain, he's feeling extra stressed because he has to be perfect at work. Even one little mistake could result in termination.

I don't know what your partner is like, but mine doesn't like to talk about his problems. However, we've found that when we are both open to talking about what we're going through it brings us closer together. I work hard to encourage him to talk about what's going on by being persistent, asking open ended questions, helping him to verbalize emotions, and being sympathetic. Even though this process can sometimes be exasperating for me, the emotional intimacy is totally worth it. If your partner isn't forthcoming, it really is a worthwhile skill to work on together. I'll get off my soapbox now.

We made a "worst case scenario" plan in case he does lose his job and that helped us both feel a lot more secure. At this point, the WCS plan is for Chuk to move to a smaller apartment, go to grad school in the fall (as planned) and work at a part-time retail job, while I would get a job teaching English in Korea and send remittances home. Yes, this plan would suck because we'd be apart, but it would only be for two years. Besides, people all over the world do this type of thing everyday, so I'm sure we could manage it too.

The non-worst case scenario plan is for Chuk to bust his butt at work for the next two months, or so, to remind everyone how indispensable he is. He will mind all his Ps and Qs, put in longer hours, take lunch breaks outside his office so his "off the clock" time isn't confused with slacking, and he will not use the internet for any personal reason at all. I will pick up more slack at home so he can go to bed earlier and make him lunch everyday so he can be early to work. Additionally, I will stop looking for permanent work (not that I was looking all that hard before) and instead try to start working with another temp agency since I have not been getting very many assignments anymore. We will use any money I make to bolster the emergency fund...which thankfully, we do have.

The reason I won't be looking for permanent work is because we are OFFICIALLY trying to have a baby now. (I likely wouldn't make enough money to cover the exorbitant cost of child care in this area and, no judgement, we agree that we would prefer a parent stay home with any child(ren) we may have. It doesn't really make sense for me to get a job only to have to quit after a few months.) We even looked at ovulation charts and I made an inspiration board for how to convert our guest room/office to a baby room/office. At this point, the plan is for me to temp before and into my pregnancy, and then try and babysit another child once our baby is a few months old and I've gotten into the swing of things, to contribute to our income.

So there you have it internet, we're talking about job loss, big moves, future careers, babies, and money. We made a big life plan and a big life contingency plan. I'm feeling very adult.