When I hear other pregnant women talk about what they're afraid of it always seems to be pain in labor or something being wrong with their baby or that they won't be a good mother, but I'm not really afraid of any of those things. However, in the last month or so I've become absolutely terrified that this baby is going to change my marriage for the worse.
Chuk and I are in such a good place in our relationship that whenever I someone tells me "A baby changes everything" (and people say crap like that a lot because apparently people love to try and freak you out) my heart starts to pound. I don't want anything about my marriage to change. Yet, it inevitably will change; we'll have less time for each other, less money and more stress.
I think part of this stems from my own parents, who were happily married for seven years before having three kids in four years. Their marriage started deteriorating not long after and they eventually divorced. While neither of them ever blamed (or even insinuated) kids had anything to do with their split, the chain of events seems pretty apparent to me. Additionally, the happiest couples I know are childless couples.
The manifestation of my fear is that I've gone from being a sane individual to the clingiest person that has ever walked the face of the earth. I don't want to hang out with anyone other than Chuk. If I could just stay home and cuddle with him on the couch while we watch TV all day and all night I would be a happy, happy woman. Despite how much I hate being pregnant, I find myself hoping that this baby is late because I think, "These are the last few weeks we have left as just the two of us for the next 18-25 years."
Even though we planned for this baby, and it was not a decision either of us rushed into or took lightly, I never anticipated feeling this way. Chuk and I talk openly about my fear. He tries to reassure me, but sometimes I think I'm not ready to have a baby. (Too late to decide that now!) Realistically, I know the only way to get over this feeling is to get through it, and I will, but I think it's important to put it out there because maybe someone else is going through the same thing. I don't know anyone who has this particular anxiety during pregnancy, but surely I can't be the only one. I think it's important that we're honest about our feelings (for better or worse) so that we can support one another.