Friday, August 31, 2012
He Deserves Better
I fantasized about putting him in his crib, closing the door, and then putting in earplugs and lying down in my room. I didn't do it, but I wanted to. Instead, I held him and remembered how when he was two and a half days old and the doctors told us he was going to have to have a spinal tap and how all I wanted to do was hold him for a little longer, how I kept making excuses to hold him a little longer. And I thought about my friend whose one month old baby died this spring and how she probably longed to hold her little boy, even if he was screaming in her ear. These two thoughts were enough to get me through the hours until Chuk came home. When he walked in, he asked how our day was and the tears started to fall. I told him I needed to be alone for a little while, passed the baby off to him, and was finally, finally able to go in my room, close the door, lie down, and breathe.
There's not a point to this other than to be authentic. There are blogs out there that only write about the good stuff and there are blogs out there that do nothing but bitch and complain, but I think for most of us life is more nuanced. I love being with my baby, except for when I don't. Parenting is wonderful, but there are hard, long days and I want to be honest about that so when you're looking at cute baby pictures on my blog you know you're not seeing everything. Or when you're sitting on the floor holding a baby who is inconsolable, you know there's another mom out there who knows just what you're going through.