Thursday, March 10, 2011

Fantasy vs. Reality

Since I haven't been feeling well the last couple of weeks I've had this little daydream running in my head. It's totally embarrassing, but thankfully I have an anonymous blog so I can get it off my chest.

Here's the fantasy: I'm pregnant. I am brave and secretly confirm said pregnancy by myself. (Meaning I don't force my husband to go to CVS in the middle of the night to buy me a pregnancy test.) Then, on our second wedding anniversary, at the end of this month, I tell Chuk I'm pregnant. We're overjoyed and I've given the perfect anniversary present I'm so desperately seeking.

We don't tell anyone at first. We keep it just our special little secret. Then we send my mom a Mother's Day card and Chuk's dad a birthday card (his birthday is on Mother's Day) saying something like, "It's hard to find a gift for someone who has everything...but we were able to think of one thing we knew you wanted..." and then have an ultrasound picture in it.

Everyone is happy; I have an easy pregnancy; baby is born on 11-11-11; we all live happily ever after.

Here's the reality: We've stopped using contraception but Chuk is taking a medication that reduces his sperm count meaning it's unlikely I'm going to get pregnant, but each month I have hope that is later dashed. It sucks.

I'm thinking about asking Chuk to consider taking an alternate medication that wouldn't have the same effect on his sperm count. (Sperm is one of the worst words. I'm a little upset I've just used it three times, but none of the alternatives are any better.)

We've also agreed to not "try" to have a baby, which for us means no fertility treatments or taking my temperature every morning. However, I am thinking about tracking my cycle better and maybe initiating at times I think could be optimal. I don't know though. I'm still kind of scared.

I think maybe I just want to have a baby because I'm not doing anything else with my life and I'm trying to give it meaning. Is that a good enough reason to make a person? They are really cute though and I do like them.


  1. I agree, sperm is a gross word!

    I don't think that wanting to have meaning in your life is a bad reason to want to have a baby. Being a mama can totally redefine you! That said, a little ambivalence is totally normal, and you shouldn't rush yourself.

  2. I think you're being too hard on yourself. You probably want a baby MORE, now that you have time to care for one, but I think people are either pro-baby or not. If you didn't want kids, you wouldn't want them, even now.

    I think it's completely OK to track your temperature too. That doesn't necessarily qualify as "trying," as much as getting to know your body better. You can watch your cycles and see if you are actually having sex at the right times to be conceiving (because you might not be, right?). Then, if you figure out that you're doing everything at the right times and it's been several months, and there's still no dice, then ask Chuk about a new medication.

    I have to say, though, that your fantasy is awesome! I love the "we didn't know what to get someone who has everything," bit. That's perfect. :)

  3. It's so hard when you want something and you can't have it, for whatever reason. I really don't know what to say to help but just know that there are others out there in the same situation as you. Everyone will come through it, though!

  4. I agree with Lucy - and a baby will DEFINITELY bring new meaning to your life! I am so totally in love with my life! We didn't "try", either. The thought of making it clinical or a chore really scared did the thought of trying and failing. And I found myself downplaying how much I wanted a baby in an effort to protect myself from getting hurt. It turns out that I did have some fertility issues but after a year and a half, we saw those two pink lines :)

  5. I am impressed with your openness. If I were in your shoes I would have died of embarrassment before typing the "s" word or talking about tracking cycles! :) Don't get me wrong, though - I think it's awesome that you are able to write about it. Good luck to you!!!!

  6. I feel your pain we've been trying for a year and a half. I think it is always a good idea to track your cycles so that you are getting to know your body better but chatting thru the meds with chuk is also important since you know they are actively reducing your chances. Evertone tells me the best thing I can do is relax, so there you are - relax and yoiu know enjoy each other!


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