Since I haven't been feeling well the last couple of weeks I've had this little daydream running in my head. It's totally embarrassing, but thankfully I have an anonymous blog so I can get it off my chest.
Here's the fantasy: I'm pregnant. I am brave and secretly confirm said pregnancy by myself. (Meaning I don't force my husband to go to CVS in the middle of the night to buy me a pregnancy test.) Then, on our second wedding anniversary, at the end of this month, I tell Chuk I'm pregnant. We're overjoyed and I've given the perfect anniversary present I'm so desperately seeking.
We don't tell anyone at first. We keep it just our special little secret. Then we send my mom a Mother's Day card and Chuk's dad a birthday card (his birthday is on Mother's Day) saying something like, "It's hard to find a gift for someone who has everything...but we were able to think of one thing we knew you wanted..." and then have an ultrasound picture in it.
Everyone is happy; I have an easy pregnancy; baby is born on 11-11-11; we all live happily ever after.
Here's the reality: We've stopped using contraception but Chuk is taking a medication that reduces his sperm count meaning it's unlikely I'm going to get pregnant, but each month I have hope that is later dashed. It sucks.
I'm thinking about asking Chuk to consider taking an alternate medication that wouldn't have the same effect on his sperm count. (Sperm is one of the worst words. I'm a little upset I've just used it three times, but none of the alternatives are any better.)
We've also agreed to not "try" to have a baby, which for us means no fertility treatments or taking my temperature every morning. However, I am thinking about tracking my cycle better and maybe initiating at times I think could be optimal. I don't know though. I'm still kind of scared.
I think maybe I just want to have a baby because I'm not doing anything else with my life and I'm trying to give it meaning. Is that a good enough reason to make a person? They are really cute though and I do like them.